Leave It to a Mom to Miss The Smell of Poop

Surprised to find out that I was sad to say goodbye to the smell of Toby's breastmilk poop. We started rice cereal yesterday, and now as of the wee hours of this morning, his poop will be forever changed. I already feel so much nostalgia for little things in his brief 6 months of life. The way he used to grunt, gurgle, and squeak. We used to call him "squeaker." The way he used to arch his back and stick his tushy out with his legs curled in the fetal position when we'd pick him up after a nap. The way he used to fit into a ball on my tummy or how I could hold him cradled in one arm. The way he used to fit into those little tiny newborn clothes, the clothes that are now packed away or have been passed along to a friend. Cherishing every single moment carries with it an inevitable sadness that this very moment is passing by and, op! Now it's gone. It's exhausting kind of. Well for now, I'll be glad of what I don't have to reminisce over but can presently enjoy, even if not without pangs of sadness as they fleet away: the sound of his breath as he's sleeping on my chest, and the smell and feel of his velvet-smooth hair and skin, and how he can still fit entirely on my lap. These are precious things I will miss one day much too soon as they go the way of the undefiled breastmilk poop and change or disappear for good.

-Sarah

Setting Up The Pins (Written April 13th, 2011, 6:30 a.m.)

It's 6 a.m.-ish here and I just got Toby back to sleep after nursing. Our most recent challenge is that he falls asleep like it's his life's calling while he's on my chest, but when I transition him to the bassinet, or try and lay him in there awake and let him settle down, sometimes he might stay awake (and keep me awake) for an hour or so grunting and squirming and fussing. He did this for an hour after our 1:00 a.m. feeding until I, in tears, reluctantly gave in and put him back on my chest and we slept soundly for a couple of hours. Alas, now he is quiet in the bassinet. 

It's amazing how consuming this "job" is... A very limited number of decisions and actions being repeated over and over around the clock in cycles of 2-4 hours. It makes the day go by really fast actually, but the nights can seem long. 

I'm reminded of Sara Groves song "Setting Up The Pins" from her latest album. "Sing for the beauty that's to be found settin' up the pins for knockin' 'em down..." (there's a great music video for this song too) There is something beautiful about it... It's real life, all around the world, people are repeating, revolving, cycling through, breath by breath, 2-4 hour feeding patterns, daily, weekly, monthly patterns, seasons, years, life cycles. May I cherish this season with my son - he is the only child of mine who will ever be my ONLY child if the Lord continues to grow our family. He is my tiny companion, who is so precious even though he poops and pukes a thousand times a day - I will consider it joy to navigate the challenges of sleeping, eating, playing and... more sleep please! Because I get to be with him, and he is learning to trust me to meet his needs, diaper by diaper, meal by meal. And I pray we will be able to teach him to trust in His Heavenly Dad just the same, day by day, season by season.

Toby's Birth

Tobias Nicholas Sirianni was born March 8, 2011, one month ago yesterday. He has just started grinning in the past two days - what joy! Here is a lovely account of his birth, written by our friend and music therapy doula, Heather Overby:

March 8th, 2011 was a glorious day! I had the tremendous honor of attending the birth of Tobias Nicholas Sirianni. I had the privilege of assisting Nic and Sarah as their doula and music therapist. We spent time preparing for their birth and were blessed with the experience being even more wonderful than any of us dreamed or imagined. Sarah is an amazing wife and first-time mama who gave birth to a perfect baby boy! Sarah was the ultimate example of a woman prepared for natural childbirth who delivered beautifully. I’d like to document my version of the story of the birth of a family.
In preparation for the birth Sarah and I met to discuss music therapy assisted birth, to offer an opportunity for her to ask questions of me, and for us to talk about other birth related things. I let her borrow a copy of the Birth book by Dr Sears and she enjoyed reading it cover to cover. She prepared on her own for childbirth by reading everything she could get her hands on, taking classes, preparing her mind for birth, practicing relaxing and entraining to her labor playlist, and most of all she remained calm, focused, and trusting.
During the days of pre-labor Sarah and I kept in contact and she was enjoying the early contractions as her body was preparing for birth. She was not anxious however or trying to “speed things up” and she was patient and trusting. She knew that when it was time, her body would go in to labor. And of course that’s just what happened. After a few days of “maybe soon” and periods of time where contractions were consistently 10-15 minutes apart the time came to have a baby.
I received the call around 4 in the morning on March 8th and she said that they were at the hospital but that she wanted to have me wait until they knew that it was the real thing. So I prepared to go to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital around 6:30 a.m. she had just gotten checked and was at a 4-5 and progressing beautifully. She was relaxing in the Jacuzzi tub while listening to her labor music and was breathing through her contractions. She was engaging with family between contractions and would close her eyes and breathe as each contraction came on, rose, peaked, and released. It was not long however before the contractions we coming one right after another. She was feeling more uncomfortable and was experiencing temperature fluctuations and nausea and I figured she might be in transition already. What a surprise that things had progressed so quickly.
Around 7:30 in the morning Sarah crossed the hall to the delivery room. And then she had the urge to push. Surprise! So soon! She was checked and the nurse was shocked that she was 10 cm already. The nurse panicked because the doctor was over at another hospital preparing to go in to perform a cesarean surgery. The doctor ended up showing up with plenty of time left because Sarah pushed for a long hour and a half. She was amazing! She was fully in control of managing her pain. She breathed well, pushed when her body told her to push and stayed hydrated. She also changed positions as needed and stayed upright to allow gravity to assist in the baby’s descending.
Sarah remained focused on her breathing throughout the whole process. She was in her “birthing mind” and was at peace with the situation she was in. Her body naturally entrained to the music which had a calming and peaceful effect on her mind and body. The power she exhibited when pushing the baby out was amazing and it was so powerful to hear her “roar”. She never screamed, panicked, or even said that it was “too hard” or that she “wanted out” as most women do. She was simply amazing and so strong. She discovered the power of birthing from within.
When Tobias entered the world the joy was palpable. Oh the wonder of a child being born, of a mother being born, of a father being born, of a family being born. The tears rolling down our faces, the emotion in Nic’s proud expression…words can not express the passion of that moment. The sheer miracle of a new life coming in to the world is an amazing thing to behold.
Welcome baby Toby! We’re so glad you are here!
Thank you Nic and Sarah for letting me share in this joyous day!
Blessings to you!
Heather Overby

Thank you, Heather!

My reflections on Toby's birth (excerpted from my own, longer and more burdensomely detailed account):

When Toby's head became visible, they brought over the mirror so I could see. It was encouraging to know it was almost over and he was almost here. Pushes were getting stronger and longer as his head worked it's way out, and I felt the "ring of fire" sensation as my perineum stretched. I could hear people saying "here he comes," "here comes his head," and then suddenly "his head is out!" and Dr. Drake instructed me to do small pushes so he could ease out his shoulders. Toby had his hand by his face as his head came out - ouch! I tore, but I'm not sure how bad because I never asked. Finally, out he came. All at once the pressure was gone, and Toby was crying and they placed him on my belly. I started to cry and was saying "Ooooh!" over and over, and Nic had tears streaming down his cheeks as he leaned in and I kissed his face and we looked at our son. Everyone in the room could immediately recognize his resemblance to his dad, and we also noticed how his cute little ears were sticking straight out. So precious! Soon he stopped crying and entered a state of calm alertness. We stared in his eyes in awe of all that had just happened. What a miracle! We initiated breastfeeding right away, I delivered the placenta, Dr. Drake stitched me up, and the rest is history. Our beautiful son was born.

Natural labor was such an awesome and positive experience, especially in how I was so blessed by everyone present with me. They each found roles to fill, and every little thing that someone did mattered greatly. I was keeping my eyes closed staying focused, so I didn't always know who was where or doing what, but with every touch and word of encouragement, and every changed cool washcloth on my head and every drink of water, I felt so loved and so carried. It was like a beautiful dance that drifted in and out of my awareness, and every little thing I became aware of would make me feel better physically from the inside out, almost like butterflies in my stomach, they're efforts were helping me fill my brain with endorphins to combat the pain. I especially appreciated my husband's encouragement - I would feel his touch and hear his voice saying, "That's it," and telling me I was doing a good job and that he loved me. I cherished his constant presence by my side. He was strong for me and I wanted to be strong for him.

I also greatly appreciated Heather as my doula, for reasons I was aware of at the time and for reasons I would understand later. Thanks to her, I almost never had to talk or make decisions or be bothered. I was allowed to just stay focused inward while she took initiative to fetch the nurse when appropriate, for example, and to be my liaison in various other ways. It was good to have a non-family member in that role so that Nic and our moms and my sister could just stay physically and emotionally present with me. She was also a great verbal encourager, reminding me with her enthusiasm how what was happening was awesome and miraculous, inspiring me to keep embracing it all. She helped me keep a positive perspective.

Another key factor that carried me through was my music. I had prepared a playlist of about 4 hours of my favorite songs that I find relaxing and encouraging. My playlist was meant to be used in early labor and Heather had prepared music for the rest of the process according to all she had learned in her training as a music therapy doula. But it turned out that the music I had picked was really working for me, so we just stuck with it. Since I already knew all of the songs intimately, I only needed to hear a few seconds of a song to recognize it, and I would instantly feel the encouragement of the entire song. My mind had already been trained to respond to these songs - to feel encouraged and comforted which helped me relax. I remembered hearing lines such as "Be still my soul," or "Rock of ages... Let me hide myself in Thee," and being filled with surges of strength as I reflected on those words. Or I would hear a part of a song, like the one from which I had chosen a verse as my theme for labor --- From "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go" : "Oh joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee, I trace the rainbow through the rain, and feel the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be," and I would feel that joy! I couldn't stay focused at any given point for long enough to listen to a whole verse let alone a whole song, but just hearing a small part would bring the whole message of the song that I already knew and it would be enough of a surge of strength to carry me through until I heard the next song, or felt the next touch, or heard the next encouraging word.

I am so thankful for all that I experienced with Toby's birth. At first, right after he was born, I had said I wasn't sure if I wanted to do natural labor again because of how it had all gone so well according to how I had hoped, and because of how difficult pushing was - I was afraid first that the experience couldn't be beat, and second that if my next labor might not go as smoothly, that I might be more prone to stress out and lose control now that I'm aware of how intense it can get. I had naïveté on my side this time! But the further removed I got from that day, and the more I have reflected on it all, the more I appreciate it and want to be open to experiencing that joyful pain (or painful joy) again someday. In the days after labor, I couldn't talk about it without crying because the power and the beauty of it impacted me so deeply. As if the joy of simply having Toby here with us weren't more than enough, I was extremely fortunate to be so blessed by the entire process - conceiving him (on our 6th wedding anniversary), carrying him, and birthing him. It's hard to imagine anything topping this - Lord, thank you for the greatest experience of my life!

Cheers to birth and new life!

- Sarah, for the Sirianni family

Sirianni Family Update: Moving, working, nesting...

A successful move is almost complete! We moved in to my mom's house this weekend. Thank you Mom and Paul for taking the three of us in - what a blessing to have such a wonderful place provided for us during this season of life. We are truly grateful.

Also, a giant thank you to my sissy Bri for helping me pack books, and to Nic's parents and my dad and his cousin Shaun for helping us pack and haul everything else. We hired movers to get the big furniture out on Friday, we hauled our clothes that night, then between the 5 of us had the rest of our stuff packed and moved in just 5 hours on Saturday. Wow!

We have unpacked all but a few things that we'll finish up this week. Nic is a work horse when it comes to unpacking - a trait I've always greatly appreciated, but even more so now while I'm 34 weeks pregnant and not too helpful in the lifting, bending, and all-around stamina categories. At several points over the last two days you would have found me "helping" Nic unpack by sitting down somewhere, watching and pointing, designating what goes where and approving throw-aways. If it weren't for him and it were all up to me, whether I were pregnant or not, I'm pretty confident that I would NEVER get fully unpacked. He keeps me truckin'. He's a good match!

Speaking of working - Nic has been at Starbucks since the beginning of the year. He's doing a great job and got placed with a manager who is eager to help him develop within the company. He's very thankful for the opportunity to work, acknowledging that before being unemployed, he took for granted to some degree what a privilege it is to get up in the morning (sometimes middle of the night) and go to work and be able to provide for his family with a little sweat and some coffee stains to show for it. I'm thankful too, and proud of him.

As for me, I'm slowing down in the working world - just filling in according to need at a couple dental/orthodontic offices in Vancouver. We are humbly grateful to be receiving help from the state via the Oregon Health Plan and WIC since the timing aligned with my pregnancy and Nic's season of unemployment. Between that and being able to live with my mom and Paul for a while, we hope to be able to pay off some debt, save up some cash, and not have to sacrifice what we both value so much - my ability to be a full-time mom and wife and focus my energies at home. I'm falling more and more in love with the little one growing inside me as he kicks and rolls and stretches, even though sometimes I yelp from a sharp jab to my hip as he seems to think he can stretch his legs out all the way. Hiccups occur multiple times a day, his, not mine, and in fact he's got them right now. Feels similar to a muscle twitch you get in your butt or thigh or eye-lash. I just love it! :-) On the downside, sleep is getting more difficult to find and hang on to, the acid reflux has intensified, and back-ache sets in off and on throughout the day and night. Thankfully, I am allowed to take pepcid twice a day now which takes the edge off the reflux. Back-ache I can hope will subside once he's born. As for trouble sleeping - I'm trying to just accept it since I'll never again resume the sleep habits I have been allowed to in the pre-parent era of my life, right? At least I'll for sure not be able to any time soon after the baby's born...

The baby, as we call him in public, -might- have a name. One name seems to have made it's way to the top of our list based on our criteria in no particular order: sound, rhythm, popularity (preferably less rather than more), association (does the name remind you of that kid who ate his boogers in the 2nd grade?), and meaning. But we're still keeping it top secret because it's fun for us, so you'll just have to wait and see! :-). Baby showers are coming up and the nesting urge is kicking in. Before we know it he'll be here and our lives will never be the same. Wow.

Until next time,

Sarah
for the Sirianni Family

May We Gather All That Is Good

Just an update on our circumstances for those who wonder...

Baby News:

Just started the third trimester. He (the ultrasound tech was 100% sure it's a boy, we saw "it" too, but you really never know!) is kicking and stretching and rolling around all the time now. I can interact with him and push back on his little feet when he stretches his legs. Coolest... thing... ever! I passed my initial glucose test which means I'm off the hook and don't have to take the second one that's a big hassle and would have interfered with my enjoyment of Christmas feasts. Very happy about that. The second trimester was a breeze - it went by super fast and I felt great! I still feel mostly great... just running into a little more difficulty finding comfortable ways to sleep, managing the acid reflux/heartburn with daily pepcid and watching what I eat, and feeling a little fatigue lately, but that could be due to low iron levels I just learned I had --- it's no wonder beans and peas and raisin bran have all sounded so good lately! (Baby just kicked the laptop to say hello)  This is all going by so fast. I'm looking forward to this next week off of work to slow down and take it all in - Christmas, the New Year, and the fact that I'm just a college quarter away from giving birth if all goes well. Wow.

Nic's Job News

Thanks to connections from past employment, and thanks to our Good Dad for opening doors, my guy will once again find himself fashioning delicately balanced and heartwarmingly delicious libations at Starbucks! The formal interview process is out of the way. We are just waiting for word on where and when to start, as well as what official position he will hold - whether Barista or Shift Supervisor. And what the heck, I went ahead and asked the Lord if they would just say to themselves, "You know what? We already know Nic is awesome, let's just go head and make him an assistant manager and start the management training process!" It's a long shot, but God's been known to answer prayers like that for us before, like the time we were buying a car and I asked if I could have a car just like the one I used to drive but in awesome condition. What do you know, one turned up just in time and just in line with our budget. He said yes. :-)  Nic is pleased to start working at the 'Bucks again. The current plan is to do his best there and work his way up while going back to school with a focus in business (perhaps finance and/or management?) starting next Fall or soon after. We had talked about starting school sooner but figured it probably wouldn't be the greatest idea to heap several big life changes into a couple of short months - i.e. I stop working, Nic starts new job, we move, Nic starts school, AND we have a baby? Yikes. How about one thing at a time --- ish.

All in all, we feel a lot of peace, like maybe right now is a calm before the storm, a time to walk slowly and breathe deeply before we have to pick up the pace to keep up with all of the changes coming our way. May we gather all that is good during this season (and the next)! And there is so much good...

Blessings,

Sarah
for both of us

Pregnancy, Parenting, Job Hunt, and God's Hand In All Things

19 weeks pregnant today! Next week we'll be half way and we'll find out if it's a boy or a girl. I've been feeling little kicks and twitches, it's amazing. When I imagine what it will be like to meet this little creature growing in there, I pretty much burst into tears. So far enjoying every minute of the process - even when I'm annoyed that I have to go pee again, I think "it's because I'm pregnant," and it makes me smile. 

We have conversations about the kind of parents we want to be. We want to apologize to our kids for the ways we'll fail them. My own healing of childhood wounds has been greatly helped by my parents' participation. It's wonderfully freeing to have them understand and acknowledge ways that their brokenness affected me. And our brokenness will affect our kids. I'm terrified to find out how, but comforted knowing the Redeemer can make beauty out of it all.

Nic is still job hunting and purpose hunting. A deep desire of his is to find a niche. We pray for direction and for courage and for faith in God's sovereign goodness. Stu Weber's message at Good Shepherd this weekend hit right at home! Thanks, Stu! For now the plan is to find any job that can provide for our basic needs for the immediate future, and to make a decision about a direction for school. He's arranging some informational interviews with people who work in fields that match his personality and strengths to get some perspective. Thankfully, unemployment is providing a time cushion for this process. I'm eager to see how it'll all unfold - and we're prayerful and hopeful that we will continue to find ways to say thanks for many things in the midst of this (particularly on difficult days), and that we'll especially say thanks down the road when we look back and see the rich blessings of fruit that are now being produced (not without painful pruning). I'm fully convinced that all pains in life, whether great or small, can be pathways through and to the sweetest joys.

Cheers to life's ups and downs and God's hand over them all!

A Snapshot of the Process. One week down, ___ to go?

Some of the process today 
- acknowledging how different each of our experiences of these circumstances are from the other's, and how that has contributed to some of the tension we have felt but haven't been able to place over the last couple of days
- acknowledging my fear of the circumstances straining our relationship
- nic acknowledging and helping me understand how much his career and ability to provide is a central part of his sense of identity, and how he's struggling with feeling like a failure
- a cherished friend giving us encouragement both from her own life example and with specific words and prayers for our situation
- distinguishing between well meaning but empty platitudes vs. God's promises, and seeing how having hope in Him, even though it doesn't fix everything, actually does help/feel better/make things a little and sometimes a lot easier (what if we had nothing to hope in but ourselves? Good luck...)

At the end of the day we feel peace and thankfulness. One day at a time... 

-Sarah