Setting Up The Pins (Written April 13th, 2011, 6:30 a.m.)

It's 6 a.m.-ish here and I just got Toby back to sleep after nursing. Our most recent challenge is that he falls asleep like it's his life's calling while he's on my chest, but when I transition him to the bassinet, or try and lay him in there awake and let him settle down, sometimes he might stay awake (and keep me awake) for an hour or so grunting and squirming and fussing. He did this for an hour after our 1:00 a.m. feeding until I, in tears, reluctantly gave in and put him back on my chest and we slept soundly for a couple of hours. Alas, now he is quiet in the bassinet. 

It's amazing how consuming this "job" is... A very limited number of decisions and actions being repeated over and over around the clock in cycles of 2-4 hours. It makes the day go by really fast actually, but the nights can seem long. 

I'm reminded of Sara Groves song "Setting Up The Pins" from her latest album. "Sing for the beauty that's to be found settin' up the pins for knockin' 'em down..." (there's a great music video for this song too) There is something beautiful about it... It's real life, all around the world, people are repeating, revolving, cycling through, breath by breath, 2-4 hour feeding patterns, daily, weekly, monthly patterns, seasons, years, life cycles. May I cherish this season with my son - he is the only child of mine who will ever be my ONLY child if the Lord continues to grow our family. He is my tiny companion, who is so precious even though he poops and pukes a thousand times a day - I will consider it joy to navigate the challenges of sleeping, eating, playing and... more sleep please! Because I get to be with him, and he is learning to trust me to meet his needs, diaper by diaper, meal by meal. And I pray we will be able to teach him to trust in His Heavenly Dad just the same, day by day, season by season.

Toby's Birth

Tobias Nicholas Sirianni was born March 8, 2011, one month ago yesterday. He has just started grinning in the past two days - what joy! Here is a lovely account of his birth, written by our friend and music therapy doula, Heather Overby:

March 8th, 2011 was a glorious day! I had the tremendous honor of attending the birth of Tobias Nicholas Sirianni. I had the privilege of assisting Nic and Sarah as their doula and music therapist. We spent time preparing for their birth and were blessed with the experience being even more wonderful than any of us dreamed or imagined. Sarah is an amazing wife and first-time mama who gave birth to a perfect baby boy! Sarah was the ultimate example of a woman prepared for natural childbirth who delivered beautifully. I’d like to document my version of the story of the birth of a family.
In preparation for the birth Sarah and I met to discuss music therapy assisted birth, to offer an opportunity for her to ask questions of me, and for us to talk about other birth related things. I let her borrow a copy of the Birth book by Dr Sears and she enjoyed reading it cover to cover. She prepared on her own for childbirth by reading everything she could get her hands on, taking classes, preparing her mind for birth, practicing relaxing and entraining to her labor playlist, and most of all she remained calm, focused, and trusting.
During the days of pre-labor Sarah and I kept in contact and she was enjoying the early contractions as her body was preparing for birth. She was not anxious however or trying to “speed things up” and she was patient and trusting. She knew that when it was time, her body would go in to labor. And of course that’s just what happened. After a few days of “maybe soon” and periods of time where contractions were consistently 10-15 minutes apart the time came to have a baby.
I received the call around 4 in the morning on March 8th and she said that they were at the hospital but that she wanted to have me wait until they knew that it was the real thing. So I prepared to go to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital around 6:30 a.m. she had just gotten checked and was at a 4-5 and progressing beautifully. She was relaxing in the Jacuzzi tub while listening to her labor music and was breathing through her contractions. She was engaging with family between contractions and would close her eyes and breathe as each contraction came on, rose, peaked, and released. It was not long however before the contractions we coming one right after another. She was feeling more uncomfortable and was experiencing temperature fluctuations and nausea and I figured she might be in transition already. What a surprise that things had progressed so quickly.
Around 7:30 in the morning Sarah crossed the hall to the delivery room. And then she had the urge to push. Surprise! So soon! She was checked and the nurse was shocked that she was 10 cm already. The nurse panicked because the doctor was over at another hospital preparing to go in to perform a cesarean surgery. The doctor ended up showing up with plenty of time left because Sarah pushed for a long hour and a half. She was amazing! She was fully in control of managing her pain. She breathed well, pushed when her body told her to push and stayed hydrated. She also changed positions as needed and stayed upright to allow gravity to assist in the baby’s descending.
Sarah remained focused on her breathing throughout the whole process. She was in her “birthing mind” and was at peace with the situation she was in. Her body naturally entrained to the music which had a calming and peaceful effect on her mind and body. The power she exhibited when pushing the baby out was amazing and it was so powerful to hear her “roar”. She never screamed, panicked, or even said that it was “too hard” or that she “wanted out” as most women do. She was simply amazing and so strong. She discovered the power of birthing from within.
When Tobias entered the world the joy was palpable. Oh the wonder of a child being born, of a mother being born, of a father being born, of a family being born. The tears rolling down our faces, the emotion in Nic’s proud expression…words can not express the passion of that moment. The sheer miracle of a new life coming in to the world is an amazing thing to behold.
Welcome baby Toby! We’re so glad you are here!
Thank you Nic and Sarah for letting me share in this joyous day!
Blessings to you!
Heather Overby

Thank you, Heather!

My reflections on Toby's birth (excerpted from my own, longer and more burdensomely detailed account):

When Toby's head became visible, they brought over the mirror so I could see. It was encouraging to know it was almost over and he was almost here. Pushes were getting stronger and longer as his head worked it's way out, and I felt the "ring of fire" sensation as my perineum stretched. I could hear people saying "here he comes," "here comes his head," and then suddenly "his head is out!" and Dr. Drake instructed me to do small pushes so he could ease out his shoulders. Toby had his hand by his face as his head came out - ouch! I tore, but I'm not sure how bad because I never asked. Finally, out he came. All at once the pressure was gone, and Toby was crying and they placed him on my belly. I started to cry and was saying "Ooooh!" over and over, and Nic had tears streaming down his cheeks as he leaned in and I kissed his face and we looked at our son. Everyone in the room could immediately recognize his resemblance to his dad, and we also noticed how his cute little ears were sticking straight out. So precious! Soon he stopped crying and entered a state of calm alertness. We stared in his eyes in awe of all that had just happened. What a miracle! We initiated breastfeeding right away, I delivered the placenta, Dr. Drake stitched me up, and the rest is history. Our beautiful son was born.

Natural labor was such an awesome and positive experience, especially in how I was so blessed by everyone present with me. They each found roles to fill, and every little thing that someone did mattered greatly. I was keeping my eyes closed staying focused, so I didn't always know who was where or doing what, but with every touch and word of encouragement, and every changed cool washcloth on my head and every drink of water, I felt so loved and so carried. It was like a beautiful dance that drifted in and out of my awareness, and every little thing I became aware of would make me feel better physically from the inside out, almost like butterflies in my stomach, they're efforts were helping me fill my brain with endorphins to combat the pain. I especially appreciated my husband's encouragement - I would feel his touch and hear his voice saying, "That's it," and telling me I was doing a good job and that he loved me. I cherished his constant presence by my side. He was strong for me and I wanted to be strong for him.

I also greatly appreciated Heather as my doula, for reasons I was aware of at the time and for reasons I would understand later. Thanks to her, I almost never had to talk or make decisions or be bothered. I was allowed to just stay focused inward while she took initiative to fetch the nurse when appropriate, for example, and to be my liaison in various other ways. It was good to have a non-family member in that role so that Nic and our moms and my sister could just stay physically and emotionally present with me. She was also a great verbal encourager, reminding me with her enthusiasm how what was happening was awesome and miraculous, inspiring me to keep embracing it all. She helped me keep a positive perspective.

Another key factor that carried me through was my music. I had prepared a playlist of about 4 hours of my favorite songs that I find relaxing and encouraging. My playlist was meant to be used in early labor and Heather had prepared music for the rest of the process according to all she had learned in her training as a music therapy doula. But it turned out that the music I had picked was really working for me, so we just stuck with it. Since I already knew all of the songs intimately, I only needed to hear a few seconds of a song to recognize it, and I would instantly feel the encouragement of the entire song. My mind had already been trained to respond to these songs - to feel encouraged and comforted which helped me relax. I remembered hearing lines such as "Be still my soul," or "Rock of ages... Let me hide myself in Thee," and being filled with surges of strength as I reflected on those words. Or I would hear a part of a song, like the one from which I had chosen a verse as my theme for labor --- From "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go" : "Oh joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee, I trace the rainbow through the rain, and feel the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be," and I would feel that joy! I couldn't stay focused at any given point for long enough to listen to a whole verse let alone a whole song, but just hearing a small part would bring the whole message of the song that I already knew and it would be enough of a surge of strength to carry me through until I heard the next song, or felt the next touch, or heard the next encouraging word.

I am so thankful for all that I experienced with Toby's birth. At first, right after he was born, I had said I wasn't sure if I wanted to do natural labor again because of how it had all gone so well according to how I had hoped, and because of how difficult pushing was - I was afraid first that the experience couldn't be beat, and second that if my next labor might not go as smoothly, that I might be more prone to stress out and lose control now that I'm aware of how intense it can get. I had naïveté on my side this time! But the further removed I got from that day, and the more I have reflected on it all, the more I appreciate it and want to be open to experiencing that joyful pain (or painful joy) again someday. In the days after labor, I couldn't talk about it without crying because the power and the beauty of it impacted me so deeply. As if the joy of simply having Toby here with us weren't more than enough, I was extremely fortunate to be so blessed by the entire process - conceiving him (on our 6th wedding anniversary), carrying him, and birthing him. It's hard to imagine anything topping this - Lord, thank you for the greatest experience of my life!

Cheers to birth and new life!

- Sarah, for the Sirianni family